Unfortunately, between college and work the other two had no time to help complete the story and so I never finished writing the script. Click on the "read more" link to see what we did finish.
Mike Pays The Rent
It is barely sunrise. Mike strolls slowly through the halls of his apartment building, head down and covered in garbage. He has been out all night. Sighing, he finally enters his apartment and slumps down on the couch. Dan, his roommate, looks up from his desk. “I see your fans at the Laugh Barn have finally stopped throwing spaghetti,” Dan says.
“Oh, no, this isn’t from my stand-up,” Mike replies, “This is from asking that girl out; her boyfriend owns a dump truck.”
“Oh, okay, nothing important then,” Dan says, turning back to his desk where he is coloring in maps.
“What are you doing?” Mike asks.
“I was thinking of making Switzerland part of France, for simplicity,” Dan responds.
“Um, okay then,” Mike says. Just then, there is a knock at the door. Dan ignores it. Mike simply looks around as if to see from where the noise is originating. The knock comes again and Mike still seems unable to locate the source of the sound.
“Mike, open the door,” Dan says.
“Okay,” Mike says, and he opens the door to find the landlord, Ryan standing there. “Oh, hey Ryan. What are you doing in the hallway next to our door?”
“I’ve been knocking, you idiot, so I can collect the rent money; you’re three days late,” Ryan says.
“Oh, I’m sorry, but I didn’t make any money this week,” Mike starts to explain.
“We’ll have the money tonight,” Dan interrupts.
“You’d better have it; I don’t take freeloaders,” Ryan says as he leaves.
“Dan, how are we going to get any money? You said that the IRS took it all,” Mike asks.
“Ha! I let them take it! They are merely insignificant fools who cannot hold me back,” Dan says, “We are going to make a withdrawal at one of my banks.”
“You have money in the bank? You don’t even have a job,” Mike says.
“All the money in the world is mine, silly. I just let people use some of it…when I’m in a good mood,” Dan says, “I’m just going to take some of it back.”
“Uh…okay!” Mike says.
Later, at the bank, Dan says, “I’d like to make a withdrawal of five hundred forty dollars and thirty-seven cents.”
“And what’s your account number?” the teller asks.
“Oh, I don’t have an account here,” Dan says.
“So, how can you withdraw money that you don’t have?” the teller asks.
“Pull it out of someone else’s account; I don’t care, but hurry up; you’re wasting my time,” Dan says.
“But I can’t pull it out of any other account without a PIN for that account,” the teller responds.
“Mike, give me my gun,” Dan says.
“Um, gun?” Mike says.
“Mike, I told you to double-check that we had everything we needed before we left the house, remember?” Dan says.
Mike has a flashback in which he hears Dan telling him “And don’t forget the ammunition this time!” “I remembered the ammunition,” Mike says with a smile, handing Dan a handful of bullets.
Dan picks up a bullet and looks at it. “Well, I suppose I could throw it at him,” Dan says. With this, the teller screams and runs away. “Hey, hold still so I can throw these at you! Grr!”
Now the other tellers and the customers have heard and run around in total panic. Dan begins tossing bullets every which way. A man approaches the armed guard sitting on a bench inside, reading a magazine. “Hey shouldn’t you be doing something?” he says. The guard, who is smoking a cigar, looks up. The man then points at the no-smoking sign right beside the guard.
“Oh sorry,” the guard says, getting up and going outside. During this whole conversation, Dan and Mike can be seen in the background running to and fro. First, they chase the teller, throwing bullets. Then the teller chases them back, throwing money. Then Dan chases the teller, swinging a purse he swiped, while a woman chases Dan, swinging Mike around. Finally, Dan runs by, being attacked by a flaming alligator. Mike chases after him, trying to put out the fire by beating it with a broom.
“This is not going according to plan!” Dan says as the employees of the bank surround them, wielding brooms, umbrellas, and other impromptu weapons.
“Get the money! I’ll protect you,” Mike says, pulling a gun from his pocket and covering the employees. The employees slowly back off.
“Mike, I thought you forgot the guns!” Dan yells.
“Um… Oh no, I only forgot your gun,” Mike says.
“Give me that,” Dan demands as he snatches the gun away from him. “Your kind has defied me for the last time!” Dan says, taking aim and pulling the trigger several times. Nothing happens. “Mike, you forgot the bullets.”
“Oh, I thought I forgot something,” Mike says.
“Well, I suppose I could throw it at them,” Dan says. The employees now storm after the two of them as they hop over the counter and escape the bank.
At that moment, several police cars pull into the parking lot of the bank, sirens blaring. Mike says, “Hey, maybe the police can help us. My mother always said that if you were in trouble you could go to the cops and they would…”
“Mike No! Follow me,” Dan yells. They run to where the armed security guard is leaning against a wall and smoking his cigar, but the police cars corner them.
“Freeze! Surrender!” They yell.
Dan simply grabs the gun away from the guard and begins firing at the cops. The cops fire back. Bullets whiz by. Dan and Mike duck, but the guard pays little attention, even as one bullet just misses him. The cops finally shrink back behind their vehicles. Dan then places the gun back in the holster of the security guard and runs. Through all of this, the guard barely acknowledges what is going on. “Get in!” Dan yells. Mike and Dan climb into an armored van. Only when the guard sees the police approaching does he hop in also. The guard then drives them away. “You will be rewarded for your service to the coming empire. What is your name, citizen?” Dan asks the guard.
“Justin,” the guard says.
“Yes, a noble name of great character. Well, I am SuperDan The Magnificent, and this is Mike,” Dan says.
“Oh, nice to meet you,” Justin says, extending his hand to shake while turning away from the wheel. The van goes into oncoming traffic, down a side road, and right into the police station.
“You incompetent fool!” Dan says.
“Stand here and look into the camera,” a cop says as he prepares to take Justin’s mug shot.
“Um, okay,” Justin says, cigar still smoldering. FLASH!
“Now turn left,” the cop says. Justin obeys. FLASH!
“Stand here and look into the camera,” a cop says to Dan as he prepares to take his mug shot.
Waving his fist with a scowl on his face, Dan says, “You will pay for this injustice with your lives, lowly slaves! When I am rightfully appointed emperor of the planet, I will have your guts strewn across the land and burned while dogs defecate into your eye sockets, and…” FLASH! (the first shot appears) FLASH! (the second shot appears)
“Stand here and look into the camera,” the cop says to Mike.
“A camera? Hi mom!” Mike says, waving with a goofy grin on his face. FLASH!
“Now turn left, please,” the cop says, sighing.
Mike does as is told, but just as the camera takes his picture he turns to face the camera and wave again. FLASH!
“Um, let’s try that again. This time, just face forward and pretend the camera isn’t there, okay?” the cop says. Mike nods.
Mike stays in position for several seconds until, as if he sees the camera for the first time, he yells out, “Hi mom!” just as it takes his picture. The cop groans.
“Look, just stand still for five seconds, okay? Can you do that?” the cop asks. Mike nods, but when he attempts to do the same action again, two cops grab him to keep him facing the same way and to keep him from waving. Soon, a full-scale struggle ensues. FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!
Just before the last shot, Mike has his face against the camera and asks excitedly, “Am I on the news?”
In the next scene, Dan, Mike, and Justin are placed in a temporary cell with several others. A man with long hair and ragged, mismatched clothing shuffles up to Justin. “Hey man, what are you in here for?”
In a completely calm and matter-of-fact style, Justin simply states, “Accomplice to armed robbery, evading arrest, reckless driving, and destruction of both public and private property. It’s been a busy morning. What did they charge you with?”
“Oh, who me man? Oh, no I just walked in here and got lost. I’m trying to find the cereal aisle, man,” the man says, “Hey, you haven’t seen it have you?”
“No, I haven’t,” Justin says.
“Oh, alright man. Groovy,” the man says. Then, seeing Mike for the first time, the man says, “Hey man, I know you. You used to be my English teacher. You gave me an F,” he says.
“Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you at first. Yeah, you used to sit in the third row…No, wait a second! I sat in the third row. You used to teach me English and you gave me an F,” Mike says.
“Oh, I did? I’m sorry man,” the man says.
“Come into my office,” Dan says, turning a small knob on his bed. Suddenly, the far wall rotates to reveal a carpeted room complete with computers, phones, maps, and diagrams. A lit table in the middle shows every country. “Every black dot represents one of my agents. As you can see, I have one in almost every country.”
“Chris! You must find out for me what Dan, Mike, and Justin are planning. I’m sending you to find out,” the warden says.
“Don’t worry, you can count on me,” Chris the guard says.
“I hope so. I don’t have to remind you what happened last time,” the warden says.
“No sir,” Chris says.
“The plumbing was screwed up for weeks,” the warden says.
Chris the guard strides up in front of the cell and talks to himself. “All right, I know these men are planning something to escape; I must win their confidence to find out what it is,” he says well within earshot of the men inside. “I’m going in.” Chris opens the cell door and stands in front of it. All the men just look at him. “So, hey guys,” Chris finally says.
“Hey,” everyone says except for the ex-English teacher who says, “Hey man.”
“Hmm, I think they’ve accepted me: time to move to phase two…” Chris thinks out loud. “So, does anybody have any escape plans?”
Everyone merely stares at Chris, except for Mike. Mike excitedly raises his hand, saying, “Ooh! Ooh!” Instantly, Dan covers Mike’s mouth with his hand and wrestles with him.
“He’s just having a seizure; he’ll be fine in a couple of moments,” Dan says, “This happens from time to time; I have to restrain him so he won’t hurt himself.”
“Mmm hmm umph mm hmm!” Mike protests.
“What did he say?” Chris asks. While all this is occurring, Justin rolls his eyes and casually exits the door behind Chris.
“I didn’t hear him say anything,” Dan says.
“Oh, I must be hearing something else,” Chris says, confused.
“Hey, I heard him man,” the ex-English teacher says.
“What did he say?” Chris asks.
“Oh, I don’t know man. He was talking backwards or something man,” he says.
Finally, just as Chris is leaving, Justin returns with four coffees and a dozen donuts. “All right, now we can work on our escape plan,” Dan says.
“Hey, I have an escape plan! Why won’t anyone listen?” Mike asks.
“So Dan, what’s the plan?” Justin asks.
Suddenly, Dan grabs at the concrete block wall and pulls. It is discovered that the real wall was covered up by realistic-looking wallpaper. Dan tears it off. Underneath are complex chalk scribbles and diagrams. “First, we need to smuggle enough knives and forks out from the cafeteria for a small army. Then we can use them to fuel my machine that I’ve been building. When we get enough knives, the energy generated will be enough to melt iron bars. Then I’ll focus this energy into a tight enough space so that it rips a hole in the space-time continuum and teleports us out of this cell. If the magnetic fields are properly aligned, we should materialize somewhere in maximum security. Meanwhile, my machine will produce a toxic gas here, knocking everyone out…” Dan explains.
“I don’t think this plan is working out,” Justin says.
“I have a plan! I have a plan!” Mike says.
“Fine Mike, what is your plan?” Dan asks.
“I’ve been digging a tunnel with my toothbrush!” Mike says, with a huge grin on his face. His teeth are covered in dirt. He holds up his toothbrush. It too is covered in dirt and the bristles are completely gone.
“You dug through a concrete floor with your toothbrush?” Dan says.
“Not just the floor – I dug a hundred-foot tunnel also,” Mike proclaims proudly.
“Mike, I finally remembered why I keep you around,” Dan says.
“To make you feel better about yourself?” Mike asks.
“What? Oh, no I was just joking when I said that. Come on, let’s go,” Dan says. Later, in the tunnel, Dan says, “Hmm, I think we’re going in a big circle.”
“Yeah, I dug that way on purpose to keep the guards guessing which direction we’re going,” Mike explains. Finally, they arrive at the end of the tunnel. The three of them crawl out in total darkness.
“Where are we?” Dan asks. Justin lights his lighter.
“I think we’re in a solitary confinement cell,” Justin muses. Just then, something stirs in the corner. “Hello,” Justin says.
“Are you the angels of death?” a worn-looking old man from the corner asks.
“No,” Justin answers.
“Oh, that’s too bad; I thought I was finally going to get out of here,” the man responds.
“Poor man. He’s obviously delirious,” Dan says, “Do you not recognize me? It is I, SuperDan The Magnificent, supreme dictator of the world for life, bold defender of justice. You may bow to me at any time.” The man merely gives Dan a confused look. “Go ahead; it’s okay; don’t be shy.”
At just that moment, the lights go on and a guard’s voice can be heard outside the door. “Alright, Mr. Fander, your fifty years is up; you can go now,” the guard says.
“Quick! Hide him in the tunnel!” Dan whispers. Justin and Mike shove the man into the tunnel.
“And maybe we’ll think twice about double parking next time,” the guard continues as he enters the room. He looks around and sees the three young men. “Mr. Fander?”
“That’s us,” Dan says.
“All of you are Mr. Fander?” the guard asks.
“Yes,” Dan clarifies.
The guard looks at his clipboard for a moment and then says, “Okay, you’re free to go.” He still seems a bit confused.
“So where are we going now?” Mike asks.
“We are going to see about purchasing some nuclear weapons,” Dan says.
“Where are we going to get those?” Mike asks.
“The same place we do all our shopping – Walmart,” Dan says.
“You, where is your nuclear weapon department?” Dan demands from a cashier.
“We do not carry those items,” the cashier replies.
“Can you order them from another store?” Dan asks.
“Walmart does not sell nuclear weaponry,” the cashier replies.
“Well goodness, do you at least have nerve gas and stealth aircraft?” Dan asks, exasperated.
“No,” the cashier replies.
“Look, I really need something I can use to cause widespread destruction and chaos. What does Walmart sell that can kill millions of people?” Dan asks.
“We sell cigarettes,” the cashier replies.
“Augh! I hate kids,” the man says.
“Oh, I didn’t used to like them either – until I tried marinating them in a szechuan sauce,” Dan says, licking his lips.
“Hey Justin, those girls are hot,” Mike says.
“What was that?” Justin asks.
“Those girls over there are so hot. Let’s ask them out,” Mike says, pointing to two very hot girls.
“Dan told us to guard the getaway vehicle,” Justin says.
“Come on, I have the perfect pick-up line,” Mike says, as if he did not hear Justin at all.
Justin sighs and follows Mike saying, “okay.”
When they near the girls, Mike stammers, “Wanna go out?” When the girls say nothing, Mike begins to talk some more, saying, “’cause I think you’re really hot and I’m free Saturday, because I just got out of prison and…No, no, it’s not like that. We didn’t get out of prison; we escaped.”
“What are you doing?” Dan asks.
“I’m going to get us some money by selling cigars,” Justin says.
“Justin, I’m surprised. You’re actually going to let others have some of your tobacco? That’s sacrificing for the cause. I’m proud of you,” Dan says.
“Oh no, I’m using fake tobacco; it’s brown paper,” Justin says.
“Even better, but only an idiot would buy some,” Dan says. Just then, Mike walks in.
“Hey Mike, want to buy some cigars?” Justin asks.
“Oh no, I don’t smoke,” Mike says.
“They’re two for the price of one,” Justin says.
“I’ll take three,” Mike says.
“I don’t like carnivals much; these places are full of pickpockets,” Dan says, “I hate competition.” As Dan, Mike, and Justin discuss how easy it is not to notice being pickpocketed, pickpockets show up behind Justin and take his wallet. Later, they have trouble getting to Mike’s wallet and find whoopee cushions and such. Then, Justin’s jacket is gone. Next, Mike realizes the pickpocket behind him is having difficulty and hands him his wallet. A pickpocket loses his arm in a cloud of smoke and sparks behind Dan just as Dan announces his latest invention in anti-theft security systems. The camera goes back to Justin and shows him in his underwear barefoot. Someone reaching for his cigars is grabbed by him.
“No,” is all Justin says.
“Mike, where did that kitten come from?” Dan asks.
“Oh, this is Mr. Jumbles. He followed me home,” Mike says, “Can we keep him?”
“Well, I don’t yet have any lions to feed Christians to yet. I suppose this is an acceptable substitute,” Dan says.
While at (*) smoke shop: “So there is only one choice. We must kidnap the ambassador’s daughter and hold her ransom for enough money to buy nuclear weapons so we can hold the world ransom for more money?” Justin asks.
“Spoken like a true terrorist,” Dan says.
“So how are we going to get her?” Justin asks.
“Because Mike here tells me he is so smooth with the ladies, he’s going to ask her on a date. When she shows up, we snatch her,” Dan says.
“That’s a great idea! Let’s go,” Mike says. Dan and Mike start to leave.
“Wait, I don’t think Mike is actually…okay,” Justin accedes.
Later, at the (*) restaurant, Mike approaches the ambassador’s daughter and asks her out. When he finishes talking, the camera pans over to reveal a large, buff man sitting right next to her, glowering. “Hi, I’m Mike,” Mike says.
In the very next frame, Mike is thrown through the door of the hotel room where Dan and Justin are staying. Justin calmly steps over Mike and announces, “Mike’s back.”
“Did you arrange a date for tomorrow night in an abandoned parking lot like we planned?” Dan asks.
“Umm…I think so,” Mike says.
Later, the three men wait for the ambassador’s daughter to show up. “Where is she?” Dan asks. Just then, sirens sound and several police cars pull into the parking lot. Dan and Mike run away while Justin walks. They pick him up in the getaway car a few seconds later. “Mike, did you tell the girl why you wanted to meet her here?”
“No, no, I would never do that. I would definitely never tell her to meet me here so you could kidnap her for money to buy nuclear weapons, and I also definitely didn’t tell her boyfriend after he threatened to hang me by my ears on a TV station antenna. Nope, I definitely didn’t do that, especially not last night after I asked her out – nope,” Mike says.
“You’ve never been on a date, have you?” Dan asks.
“No,” Mike says.
“I should have suspected you couldn’t do it,” Dan says.
“I knew he wasn’t good with women,” Justin says.
“What?! You knew about this and did not inform me!?” Dan yells.
“Uh…Yep,” Justin says.
“I’ve had enough of your petty defiance of my greatness! When we lose these cops and stop this car, I’m hanging you from the nearest tree!” Dan says.
Next, Justin has a noose around his neck while he stands on the ground. The rope is thirty feet long and the tree attached to it is twenty feet high. Dan double-checks the rope. “Um, I don’t think this tree is high enough,” Justin says.
“The nearest tree! Do not question me again!” Dan yells.
Trying to blow up the UN building:
“Mike, have you finished taping those explosives to the column?” Dan asks.
“Almost,” Mike says, struggling, his arms wrapped in duct tape. The explosives sit untouched on the floor.
“Hmmm, this fuse is too short. We need something flammable to add to the end of it,” Dan says, eying Justin’s cigars. Justin clutches his cigars closer. “Mike, give me Mr. Jumbles,” Dan demands.
“No, not Mr. Jumbles,” Mike pleads.
“Mike, you know how sacrifices must sometimes be made for the greater good,” Dan says.
“Okay,” Mike says.
Dan takes the kitten. The next frame is of the kitten staring upwards and meowing in the cutest way possible. “Oh, I can’t do this,” Dan says, looking down. Then Dan lifts his arm in view of the camera so it is seen that he is not holding a kitten but an empty tape roll. “I’m out of duct tape.”
“You have failed me again! This time I will hang you from the largest tree I can find!” Dan says.
In the next scene, Dan ties Justin to a ninety-foot tree that has fallen over.