call me
I once saw a woman driving behind me in the Wendy’s drive-through. Of course I knew nothing about her, whether she was annoying or funny, rigid or forgiving, nurturing or destructive. I only knew that she was very pretty and that she hadn’t driven to Wendy’s to be bothered by me.
Then I started to wonder: What if she’s had many of the same problems I’ve had? What if she has been single and lonely for years? What if all her old friends are too busy for her or have moved out of state? What if every guy at her workplace is already married? What if she has no other way to meet people? What if she goes out in public in the desperate hope that someone will stop to talk to her? What if we were very compatible? By the time I had considered these questions, the moment was gone. It was too late. I didn’t want to make the same mistake with you. I know that chances are we aren’t compatible, but if we never hang out, we’ll never know.
I’m the most interesting guy I know. I write fiction and non-fiction. I have published seven books and I am currently writing two more. I draw alien creatures. I like to explore parks and follow trails. I like art museums. I like pizza. I like sushi. I have memorized pi to 56 digits. I grew up in New Hampshire and briefly lived in Rhode Island. I’ve been watching Doctor Who since 1989 and in spite of all its flaws it is still my favorite show.
I have big projects planned for the next couple of years and every great man needs a great woman, both to support him and to keep his ego in check. Give me a call.
Then I started to wonder: What if she’s had many of the same problems I’ve had? What if she has been single and lonely for years? What if all her old friends are too busy for her or have moved out of state? What if every guy at her workplace is already married? What if she has no other way to meet people? What if she goes out in public in the desperate hope that someone will stop to talk to her? What if we were very compatible? By the time I had considered these questions, the moment was gone. It was too late. I didn’t want to make the same mistake with you. I know that chances are we aren’t compatible, but if we never hang out, we’ll never know.
I’m the most interesting guy I know. I write fiction and non-fiction. I have published seven books and I am currently writing two more. I draw alien creatures. I like to explore parks and follow trails. I like art museums. I like pizza. I like sushi. I have memorized pi to 56 digits. I grew up in New Hampshire and briefly lived in Rhode Island. I’ve been watching Doctor Who since 1989 and in spite of all its flaws it is still my favorite show.
I have big projects planned for the next couple of years and every great man needs a great woman, both to support him and to keep his ego in check. Give me a call.
Do You Need Any New Friends?
Making friends is tough. There are levels to intimacy. People have to be moved from stranger to acquaintance, then from acquaintance to friend, then from friend to date, date to steady girlfriend, and then from girlfriend to wife. Traditionally, I have made friends at school or work because we were forced together. More recently, I have tried meetups and church home groups, but they haven’t worked well. I have noticed that ninety percent of people do not want to move as fast as I do, and so we grow very slowly or not at all. The other ten percent want to move much much much faster, so much so that it stands out as extremely unusual and makes me think something isn’t right. All my warning lights go off and I spend all my time trying to figure out what sort of scam they are running. It makes me very distrustful. To top it off, if they sense any resistance from me, they get angry and accuse me of being unusual, proving how thoroughly out of touch with the dominant social norms they are.
Of course, there are people who are mere acquaintances, and I don’t feel comfortable calling them without a specific reason. It is easy to forget about them and let life distract me. If any of them were to call me, I would be glad to talk, but initiating contact without a subject of conversation already in mind is just too hard. We have no relationship history to draw on. The same problem exists with strangers I might see while on errands. I am focused on my errands and they are focused on theirs, so we barely even notice each other. There is nothing to talk about and they never talk to me either. Only under the rarest of circumstances (such as being stuck in a long line together) do I ever converse with strangers, but it never goes anywhere, we never discover any common hobbies, and contact information is never exchanged. In fact, I would have to awkwardly change the course of conversation in order to bring it up. Any relationship that begins with rigid formulas of behavior instead of being sensitive to the needs of the moment is probably one that will stay that way. In any case, I want friends I will actually like, not friends just for the sake of saying I have friends.
There are those that suggest the problem is me – that I lack confidence and worry too much about coming off as creepy – but this is not true. I am burdened by the feeling that it would be actually inappropriate to move too quickly – not just that others might judge it as inappropriate. I have never been one to follow the social rules when I think them unfair – unless of course there are consequences attached, such as getting fired or going to jail. In any case, nobody has ever asked me for my information either, so it proves it’s not just me.
Even so, the few people who I manage to connect with at all are mostly guys. Rarely, I do make friends with women, but they are always married or otherwise taken. There are no good venues to meet new people. At church, there are no singles. They drop out as teens and only return when they are already married with children of their own. A lot of people show up after the service has started and leave before it ends, meaning I would have to interrupt the service to greet them. Bars are usually too noisy to have a conversation and tend to attract the wrong kind of person (for me). Meetups usually require too much of a commitment to learning a new hobby and do not happen often enough to get to know any specific person. I am never invited to parties unless they are family reunions. Nobody I know knows anybody they can fix me up with. Nobody responds to me on dating websites and there is never enough text in their biographies to start a conversation with. Only in the workplace have I been able to get to know someone long enough to believe we are a good match (or not), and I almost always find out they have a boyfriend (or they’re a lesbian).
In my mid-thirties, I suddenly realized there was one thing I had never tried: asking out complete strangers! This was crazy, inappropriate, potentially dangerous, and had always been against the natural flow. I had always heard that it was frowned upon in American society. Even the few exceptions I was dimly aware of “prove the rule,” such as the song lyrics “I just met you, and this is CRAZY, but here’s my number, call me maybe.” My parents had always warned me not to talk to strangers. Coworkers had once expressed annoyance with those trying to engage them in conversation when all they wanted was to make a purchase. “I don’t go to the store to meet people,” she said.
Furthermore, I had always thought that appearance rather than personality was no basis for romance, but with strangers I had nothing to go on except appearance. Could this be enough? After all, it’s not as if I was agreeing to marry her on first sight. By asking her on a date, I could get to know her personality and dump her later if necessary. Besides, since everyone is imperfect, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I should in theory be able to learn to like anybody.
Appearance could also form the basis for beginning a conversation when I know nothing else about someone. I had heard my entire life that women hated comments on their appearance, but recently I have heard that at least some women feel bad if they are never admired. Finally having enough life experience consuming art had also helped me to see quickly what I did and didn’t like about things in general, women included. I no longer had to mull over for days whether I found someone attractive. I could do it in seconds.
It used to be that I was looking for someone I could bond with over some shared struggle or goal. Only in my thirties did I realize how easy this could be. We are all on a spiritual journey to better commune with our creator – even if not all of us realize it yet. Most of us are also on a journey to explore our sexual nature. Most of us are also on a journey to enjoy life. Life is an adventure. Life is a party. Have some fun. Explore. Meet people. Learn about them. Anyone turned off by my attempts to make friends is the one with the problem, not me. They need help. They need Jesus.
I also realized that it isn’t only about my needs being met. There are probably a lot of women out there just waiting for someone to give them some attention. It isn’t fair to them to make the decision for them by never asking them out. I know I have much to offer and I believe part of my mission in life is to serve others, making their existence a little more tolerable. I have even read in recent years that women are being taught not to initiate – that this is the man’s job. They are even told that any guy that won’t initiate must be too timid to be a good life partner. This is absurd propaganda, but I get nowhere by complaining about its absurdity; I must reach out and wed a lonely lady.
It is this last point that makes it both justified and worth the effort to go back and interrupt someone’s day even after the moment has passed. It has happened before that I am thinking of talking to a lady, but she is going the opposite direction, I have nowhere to leave my shopping cart so that it won’t roll into the street, and she is surrounded by constantly-babbling friends. It has happened once that I waited in line just to talk to the cashier I met the previous day, and then had to reject the invite to move into the empty queue. Unfortunately, I learned she already had a boyfriend.
Since then, I’ve learned several more things: Women are being taught to play hard-to-get at the same time that men are being taught to immediately back off if she isn’t interested right away. This keeps a lot of people of both sexes single. Some men are also being taught to play hard-to-get. How are people ever supposed to get together? Somebody has to do the pursuing! Get out there.
I’ve also learned that age is just a number. I have seen thirty-year-olds that look sixteen and twelve-year-olds that look eighteen. I have met emotionally mature teenagers and whiny octogenarians. All that matters is whether someone is good-looking and in good health – and these things don’t matter much.
I’ve also learned that boyfriends are not husbands. I can’t even remember how many married couples at church have told me that they left the unserious partners they had at the time for something serious. Growing up, I was always taught to respect monogamy, but is it really worth it if the other guy isn’t willing to commit?
I want to make you happy, but for my efforts to be sustainable, I have just a few standards. So you don’t waste your time, I’ll tell you now. My instincts do not recognize those taller or heavier than me as romantic partners, but as mothers or teachers. I need someone under 5’4” and 180 lbs. Tattoos and piercings gross me out. The female body is God’s greatest work of art and defacing it with such things is offensive. Beyond that, very little else bothers me. I just want to know more about you, exploring your psyche the way I would a distant planet. Call me.
Of course, there are people who are mere acquaintances, and I don’t feel comfortable calling them without a specific reason. It is easy to forget about them and let life distract me. If any of them were to call me, I would be glad to talk, but initiating contact without a subject of conversation already in mind is just too hard. We have no relationship history to draw on. The same problem exists with strangers I might see while on errands. I am focused on my errands and they are focused on theirs, so we barely even notice each other. There is nothing to talk about and they never talk to me either. Only under the rarest of circumstances (such as being stuck in a long line together) do I ever converse with strangers, but it never goes anywhere, we never discover any common hobbies, and contact information is never exchanged. In fact, I would have to awkwardly change the course of conversation in order to bring it up. Any relationship that begins with rigid formulas of behavior instead of being sensitive to the needs of the moment is probably one that will stay that way. In any case, I want friends I will actually like, not friends just for the sake of saying I have friends.
There are those that suggest the problem is me – that I lack confidence and worry too much about coming off as creepy – but this is not true. I am burdened by the feeling that it would be actually inappropriate to move too quickly – not just that others might judge it as inappropriate. I have never been one to follow the social rules when I think them unfair – unless of course there are consequences attached, such as getting fired or going to jail. In any case, nobody has ever asked me for my information either, so it proves it’s not just me.
Even so, the few people who I manage to connect with at all are mostly guys. Rarely, I do make friends with women, but they are always married or otherwise taken. There are no good venues to meet new people. At church, there are no singles. They drop out as teens and only return when they are already married with children of their own. A lot of people show up after the service has started and leave before it ends, meaning I would have to interrupt the service to greet them. Bars are usually too noisy to have a conversation and tend to attract the wrong kind of person (for me). Meetups usually require too much of a commitment to learning a new hobby and do not happen often enough to get to know any specific person. I am never invited to parties unless they are family reunions. Nobody I know knows anybody they can fix me up with. Nobody responds to me on dating websites and there is never enough text in their biographies to start a conversation with. Only in the workplace have I been able to get to know someone long enough to believe we are a good match (or not), and I almost always find out they have a boyfriend (or they’re a lesbian).
In my mid-thirties, I suddenly realized there was one thing I had never tried: asking out complete strangers! This was crazy, inappropriate, potentially dangerous, and had always been against the natural flow. I had always heard that it was frowned upon in American society. Even the few exceptions I was dimly aware of “prove the rule,” such as the song lyrics “I just met you, and this is CRAZY, but here’s my number, call me maybe.” My parents had always warned me not to talk to strangers. Coworkers had once expressed annoyance with those trying to engage them in conversation when all they wanted was to make a purchase. “I don’t go to the store to meet people,” she said.
Furthermore, I had always thought that appearance rather than personality was no basis for romance, but with strangers I had nothing to go on except appearance. Could this be enough? After all, it’s not as if I was agreeing to marry her on first sight. By asking her on a date, I could get to know her personality and dump her later if necessary. Besides, since everyone is imperfect, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I should in theory be able to learn to like anybody.
Appearance could also form the basis for beginning a conversation when I know nothing else about someone. I had heard my entire life that women hated comments on their appearance, but recently I have heard that at least some women feel bad if they are never admired. Finally having enough life experience consuming art had also helped me to see quickly what I did and didn’t like about things in general, women included. I no longer had to mull over for days whether I found someone attractive. I could do it in seconds.
It used to be that I was looking for someone I could bond with over some shared struggle or goal. Only in my thirties did I realize how easy this could be. We are all on a spiritual journey to better commune with our creator – even if not all of us realize it yet. Most of us are also on a journey to explore our sexual nature. Most of us are also on a journey to enjoy life. Life is an adventure. Life is a party. Have some fun. Explore. Meet people. Learn about them. Anyone turned off by my attempts to make friends is the one with the problem, not me. They need help. They need Jesus.
I also realized that it isn’t only about my needs being met. There are probably a lot of women out there just waiting for someone to give them some attention. It isn’t fair to them to make the decision for them by never asking them out. I know I have much to offer and I believe part of my mission in life is to serve others, making their existence a little more tolerable. I have even read in recent years that women are being taught not to initiate – that this is the man’s job. They are even told that any guy that won’t initiate must be too timid to be a good life partner. This is absurd propaganda, but I get nowhere by complaining about its absurdity; I must reach out and wed a lonely lady.
It is this last point that makes it both justified and worth the effort to go back and interrupt someone’s day even after the moment has passed. It has happened before that I am thinking of talking to a lady, but she is going the opposite direction, I have nowhere to leave my shopping cart so that it won’t roll into the street, and she is surrounded by constantly-babbling friends. It has happened once that I waited in line just to talk to the cashier I met the previous day, and then had to reject the invite to move into the empty queue. Unfortunately, I learned she already had a boyfriend.
Since then, I’ve learned several more things: Women are being taught to play hard-to-get at the same time that men are being taught to immediately back off if she isn’t interested right away. This keeps a lot of people of both sexes single. Some men are also being taught to play hard-to-get. How are people ever supposed to get together? Somebody has to do the pursuing! Get out there.
I’ve also learned that age is just a number. I have seen thirty-year-olds that look sixteen and twelve-year-olds that look eighteen. I have met emotionally mature teenagers and whiny octogenarians. All that matters is whether someone is good-looking and in good health – and these things don’t matter much.
I’ve also learned that boyfriends are not husbands. I can’t even remember how many married couples at church have told me that they left the unserious partners they had at the time for something serious. Growing up, I was always taught to respect monogamy, but is it really worth it if the other guy isn’t willing to commit?
I want to make you happy, but for my efforts to be sustainable, I have just a few standards. So you don’t waste your time, I’ll tell you now. My instincts do not recognize those taller or heavier than me as romantic partners, but as mothers or teachers. I need someone under 5’4” and 180 lbs. Tattoos and piercings gross me out. The female body is God’s greatest work of art and defacing it with such things is offensive. Beyond that, very little else bothers me. I just want to know more about you, exploring your psyche the way I would a distant planet. Call me.